In 2014 I woke up in the night to a loud ringing in one ear. Over the next month, tones came and went from both ears. One ear had completely stopped ringing and both ears may well have calmed down. Though I was a drummer, so I went and played with a drumming group thinking it may be fine with earplugs; I had not imagined that the ringing could get much worse. The ringing has never stopped since, though it has fluctuated and despite becoming very uncomfortable at times, it has calmed right down again, many times. Thus, began a healing journey that has moved me from a place of helplessness and anxiety to a place where I feel more connected, joyful and peaceful than ever.
At first it felt like I was in a living nightmare, i was petrified to the point of despair. I had never experienced such level of anxiety and perpetual discomfort that seemed like there was no escape from. At one point i became so sensitive I stopped going out of the house for months while I battled, terrified that this was it, feeling that it had become a real disability. What i really needed at this time was to slow right down and have some space from external busyness. Eventually things became stable, anxiety dropped away and my state of being lifted. Despite experiencing times of having extremely sensitive ears and things seeming to escalate towards my worst fear of it getting worse and worse, it is now mostly fairly quiet and stable, and I barely experience discomfort and am at peace.
It was a challenging battle. But the truth was that I had been in a challenging place inside myself for a long time. Any longer, and my body could have become even more ill. Tinnitus was a warning that demanded my attention. I had never dealt with a symptom like this before, and here I was, suddenly in the deep end, though unknowingly at the beginning of a journey back home. I knew inside myself that I had to come to peace; not a short-term kind of distracted from myself peace, but a deep, long lasting, sustainable kind of peace that wasn’t dependent on external factors.
Tinnitus seemed like an enemy, but in truth it was a guide. It made me really listen to my own body. It taught me how to navigate states of being and gave me discipline. It asked for some changes. Essentially, the main change was connecting lovingly with my own being. Opening to the love at the core of my being was the medicine that drove the deeper changes that healed and opened my life.
It took me a while to accept some of these changes- to me, the loss felt unbearable. I used to play the drums a lot and loved going to music festivals and dancing for hours. These were the ways I knew of bringing joy and connection into my life. I saw only loss.
Tinnitus beckoned change to happen, but my being had been beckoning it for a long time, though I was stuck in some powerful traps- fear, shame, guilt, and a familiarity with pain that knew this as a normal experience of life and so accepted all of this. Tinnitus took me to the edge of everything that I knew and how I had known myself. A part of the loss was a loss of my identity- it was in a way a small death. Letting go created space to create life from a truer place, kinder and more harmonious with my being.
There were habitual ways of being that I needed shaking out of- for they were not serving myself or others. Without a good shaking, we humans can be slow to change- we most often like to remain in the known as it feels safer that way. But heading into the unknown is a discovery of the vast light of this universe- and all it begs of us is to discover that all the courage we need IS within us. To discover a truer reality than the one we have been living. This path promises realness, it promises aliveness.
A main aspect of this way of being was disconnection to my own being. A state where I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t really know my true self and looked externally for validation, placing so much focus on how others perceived me that this kept me from connecting with the truth in my own being. I ignored the way that my body would speak to me, and ignored feelings and intuitions that would come up. In this state I was making choices that betrayed my own being, leading towards imbalance. I was listening to the falseness in my mind far more than the truth in my deeper knowing and wisdom.
Through learning to surrender, so much relaxes and life flows through the changes it needs to go through with less and less turbulence. The state of powerlessness and inner poverty can transform into the overflowing abundance that is our true nature. I have discovered ways of accessing joy I didn’t know existed before. In fact, I now know that the experience of joy is not dependant on anything external. Tinnitus doesn’t block my way to peace, but has only helped to guide me towards a deeper silence and helped me to listen where I was failing to.
The Ebook contains the understanding I found which helped me to navigate through and come back to a place of balance with confidence that I can live in this world and be at peace. I am again comfortable in my body, more at peace than ever and the tinnitus has reduced greatly. Through coming into a healthier relationship with myself, tinnitus now only helps me to remain in balance by reminding me to slow down, come back to myself and breathe.
My hope is that by sharing the powerful insights that carried me from suffering to peace, others may be uplifted and avoid feeling so trapped and powerless. When tinnitus has taught us the lessons is has brought us, it no longer affects us adversely.
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